Trigger warnings: Hopelessness, discouraging, illness.
I’m living in my car now.
I hit rock bottom two nights ago.
I expected to rebound, but I didn’t. Instead, I got worse. I’m actually in shock, how bad this is.
But I can’t wait for reprieve. I have to take action.
The past four days I’ve averaged 1 hour 35 minutes of sleep per day. Tracked on my Apple Watch.
Sleep in my toxic car, all windows down in 45 degree nights, isn’t working. It’s the toxins, but also the cold. Can’t run the car heaters because they’ve become super toxic to me. Multiple blankets aren’t warm enough. Walmart sleeping bags triggered worse reactions.
But I’m still trying things. Latest thing: a heated blanket I found on Amazon that uses a car’s cigarette lighter. Arriving in two days.
The worst case scenario also happened: lack of sleep plus exposures has reignited my jaw infection (osteomyelitis). Now I’m dealing with the sepsis-like, systemic symptoms again. And their associated fears.
Moreover, rain is forecasted for the next two nights. So even I somehow figure out the cold, how will I get fresh air in the car in the rain? I have no idea. Maybe I should just plan for zero sleep next two nights—and try to manage the damage to my body from that. But then, such sleep deprivation is excrutiating, too. It’s a torture tactic, after all.
I need to drive 1.5 hours later today for an MRI of my jaw (which I was finally approved for). The results may help in 6 months or so, but not today. Today, I have to survive another 6 months first. I have to first drive 1.5 hours without falling asleep at the wheel.
This rock-bottom stretch, by the way, is the longest one I’m experiencing to date.
I’m also near broke. Almost $100k in revolving credit card debt with enough cash for two months of minimum payments.
I’m trying to be thankful. I know it could be worse. But it’s still really hard. It’s truly like being tortured daily—with no end in sight. I think most people, if given a pill to end it all, would take it.
In fact, suicide is the leading cause of death for my worst diseases. I see people in my sick communities go this way. I speak with a few others who are sick like me consider it from time to time. We encourage each other to keep fighting.
But when all hope is gone, suicide seems so…rational. People may or may not fear death. But everyone fears pain. Especially the debilitating, endless kind.
This state of torture is so surreal. I just want to wake up. Please.
But I must keep fighting. I must find a solution, any solution, to get me to tomorrow.
God help me.
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