My life/death struggle is a three-headed dragon. And it wants to eat me.
Its three heads are: (1) my Traumas, (2) my Diseases, and (3) my Insolvency.
Each dragon head can swallow me whole. And each bares its own complex phalanx of challenges:
- Traumas (across my first 18 years)
- Nonstop abuse, traumas, zero social safety net—all resulting in
- Complex PTSD, dissociative disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, severe emotional dysregulation, rage, OCD, autism spectrum disorder, addictions, depersonalization
- decades of social & relationship disabilities, and
- years of therapy that only chipped at the surface.
- Diseases (Acute and Chronic)
- Jawbone infection (osteomyelitis), acute and progressive, with six failed surgeries. My other illnesses are painful, but this one is killing me
- Severe mold, chemical & toxin illness and reactivity (MCAS, CIRS, MCS)
- Gadolinium deposition disease (plus heavy metals, cesium, thallium, barium, uranium…)
- Lyme disease (plus EBV and co-infections, etc)
- Detox impairment and immune dysfunction
- Insolvency (Financial Ruin).
- I’m semi-homeless (my car is my only safe home due to extreme sensitivities to toxins and chemicals).
- I can’t go bankrupt. If I do, I may lose my car.
- Six-figure credit-card debts hang over me. I pay close to the minimums, but at $4,500/month, my debt still only grows.
- I have no income
- I have two car payments totaling $2k/month with insurance (I had to replace my previous badly contaminated truck, which isn’t selling)
- Without any of the above, my total living expenses could be a manageable $1,500/month rather than $4,500.
I wrote this blog to inspire others fighting similar dragons.
But I’ll be honest. After more than a decade of steady losses, my odds of beating it now seem very low.
It would take a miracle. Or a lot of money. Which is the same thing for someone in my situation.
It’s discouraging. Losing feels inevitable. But I have a secret weapon. It’s a three-step process I realize I’ve been using when I spiral down to ever lower depths:
- I cheat. I keep re-defining “win” so that I can’t lose.
- I try to smile—especially when it’s bad. I do this mainly for others, but it helps me, too.
- I focus on others people’s dragons—not just mine. And it reminds me I’m not alone.
So that’s my winning plan: If I can smile and inspire others while I fight my dragons, I win.
Then, even if I die, I win.
Going forward, I’ll color code my dragons (Traumas, Diseases, & Insolvency) for easier reference.
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