8/7 thru 8/13 (2023)

Monday, August 7th, 2023

Year-to-date update (in a nutshell)

• Jaw infection. My 6th surgery in October 2022 failed to clear my bone infection. That’s it. No more surgeries. I’ll have to stabilize the infection by other means. No other way.
• Finances. I’m insolvent. I started selectively defaulting on my six-figure credit-card debt. The new truck made this happen a month earlier than I had hoped. But I still have a few ideas. And after much delay, my medicaid application was approved, which cleared my $16k medical bill. A welcomed breath of air.
• Mother’s health. She’s not been well. She fears a relapse of her cancer, which I then fear. I can’t devote myself to her healing as I did when she was metastatic a few years ago, but I can do a bit. I just ordered her copper, zinc, and vitamin c. By no means a cancer cure, but I’m hoping her symptoms are something else. At any rate, this only adds to my sense of urgency to make something happen.
• Toxin illness (HT). In late June, Sonia helped me discover that my main contaminant that I had been failing to flee from for the past 7 years is this phenomenon called HT. It’s not a thing, because no one knows what it is. It’s just a phenomenon with otherworldly patterns and effects that others have also observed, cross-corroborated, and given the placeholder name “HT.” And the protocol for HT—unlike most other contaminants—is to make a 100% clean break and escape. Because it can’t be decontaminated. This was the mistake I made over and over, through 2 houses, 3 apartments, and now 3 cars. Everything I escaped to eventually became highly contaminated and toxic with this phenomenon. The good news is, now I finally know what my ground zero toxin was, and why I’ve been failing to escape it for years. And I’ve learned the protocols for dealing with HT (basically anything that gets mildly contaminated must be immediately removed since HT grows and spreads—especially with any attempts to clean it). This was an incredibly painful lesson (I was forced to buy a new truck to live in), but I’m grateful I finally learned it. This helps me steer my healing more effectively, and maybe turn the corner.
• My illnesses (overall). All of 2023 has been relatively stable. That is, it’s been constant pain, continual dips into my lowest bottoms, with no progress or healing. But the key word here is “stable.” The rock bottom I often hit this year has fortunately proved to be stable ground that didn’t collapse into lower depths (as had been my horrifying 2022 experience). The continual down spiral has stopped (for now). The pain and flares continue, but the newfound stability indicates progress.
• Two trucks. I had to buy a new pickup truck due to this HT phenomenon. This took my debts to the breaking point a month sooner than I had planned, but it was either that or living bare on the streets. My truck is not selling (high interest = few buyers), so I’m making monthly payments on both for now. The great news is that the new truck is electric (Ford Lightning) so I won’t be dealing with propane heat that was toxic to me. Plus I charge for free so I save on gas. And I can now manage with 70% less stuff than before. Everything I own now fit in two large plastic totes. This insanely minimalistic life is limiting but also freeing. I’m grateful for anything that helps me survive.

Last 30 days Update

• TragicHappy
  • In June, I worked hard marketing my book. I needed it to go viral, so I made it free and designed my website and Facebook campaign around this strategy. But it failed after many iterations. Then, in early July, I decided to do something totally different. I posted a few 60-second videos on social media in which I tried something completely out of character for me. In my desperate and hopeless state, I tried to express a sort of invincible optimism. It felt very weird, coming from a hardcore pessimist. But it struck a hidden nerve. Not just in me, but in others. Then Bryan, an old friend I haven’t spoken to in two decades who’s now a marketing exec, saw my videos and reached out to me. And after a few words of his encouragement and advice, I pivoted my mission. And with that, a totally different strategy (detailed in this post). What I need to do now is clear: I have to make videos. Lots of videos. 
• Symptoms
  • A few days after I posted my last video—and a day after I spoke with Bryan—I fell off a cliff of symptoms and onto hard rock bottom. My jaw infection went systemic again, mimicking sepsis symptoms. I was sleeping 2 to 3 hours a night due to the pain. And this lasted for nearly three weeks. I couldn’t work or do anything except try to stay alive and do whatever I could to reduce my symptoms. I couldn’t work on TragicHappy at all. I still don’t know what caused it. The worsened air was a factor, but to what degree I don’t know.
  • Then, last week, the fog began to lift, and I felt better. And the past four days have been great. Yesterday’s symptoms were bad enough that I couldn’t sleep (air went bad in Garden City), but I drove at 1am to Yaphank and was able to find the air better (it was the other way around last week). Today, I’m symptomatic but only with the nagging skin burning on my nape and head. Very manageable. But the amazing part is that on Thursday and Friday I had almost no symptoms! I felt normal—something I haven’t felt in two years. It was a rare joy to not feeling anything but the air and the sun. The air in Garden City was very clear those two days. It didn’t last, but it is an indication that I may be on the path of healing now. I hope for more days like that in the future.

Tuesday, August 8th

• Stayed overnight in Yaphank. Air was tolerable, just minor symptoms that I was able to sleep through. 5 hours sleep. But I drove to Hampton Bays and the air here is just as difficult as it was in Garden City. So I’ll be driving back to Yaphank tonight after running errands with the truck I’m selling.
• Reactivity is strong right now. Head and upper body inflamed and skin burning. Hoping Yaphank will help.
• I lost my temper due to being gaslit by a third person about my illnesses. I went off the rails with my responsive comments on the social media post. I’m eager to start deprogramming my trauma responses—but emotional health can’t be the highest priority now. The priority now is surviving physically and financially. Maslow’s hierarchy stuff.

Thursday, August 11th

In my book’s epilogue, I had promised my daughter I would live to see her 5th birthday.

This week I kept that promise.

Saturday, August 12th

• Last two nights I slept just over 3 hours average. First night was due to incessant chest pains. Possibly due to clove therapy which I’ve halted. But last night it was mosquitos. On a windless night in Garden City, they’re easily finding their way into my truck bed. I tossed and turned, got bit 6 times, and killed 7 mosquitoes over the several hours. Finally, at 4:30 am, I drove to a barren planet fitness parking lot, applied bug spray all over the air gaps of the truck bed, and was able to get 3 hours.
• I spent a few hours in the morning patching together an air movement solution to remove the attractive carbon dioxide from my truck bed on windless days. Ordered some tools and will complete this project tomorrow.