I’m pivoting my social media content towards my daughter. With the limited time and my seeming end fast approaching, I have to cut loose all interests and narrow down to the most critical things I want clutched to my heart when I go: my daughter, mother, book, family. Focus. focus.
If I haven’t updated my logs or uploaded videos for a period of time, it means I am incapacitated. This means that I am in so much pain, that I cannot sleep. And the severe lack of sleep wipes out my ability to work or function at any high level. I am basically in a writhing-zombie state.
Last night I had 3 hours of sleep (1 hour night before). I’ve averaged around 2 hours for the past 5 weeks or so now. Still very hard to function since I continually doze off and get zapped awake. On top of all my other symptoms, I’ve had nonstop nausea for weeks now. It intensifies anytime I eat anything, so I’m down to one meal a day, of just focus on keeping that down.
It’s interesting that people can only see through the prism of their own experiences. The prism is a prison on imagination. The society that kills imagination, kills the ability to see through other prisms, which ultimately kills the ability to empathize. Where did our imagination go? When was it driven out of our childhood? For example: you lose your entire family in a single tragic accident. At the wake, people say things like “you’ll be okay” or “the pain will pass” or “they’re in heaven now” or “you should eat something.” They say these things because they think they can imagine your pain. But they can’t. They can’t understand your pain. It goes beyond their prisms. It can only be understood by two kinds of people: those who have gone through your exact same experience. Or those who can imagine the unimaginable. Because if they could, they’d know that words will only make things worse. But society has stripped imagination and empathy away from us. This is what my illness is like.
I’m still in immense pain. The past 5 weeks have been incredible. Each day is a shell shocker. I can’t believe this can go on, and worsen each day. I can’t believe my body is still functioning and alive. That in itself is some miracle.
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