This is for those wondering how I’m doing.
In short, I’m spiraling down the darkness, but I see glimmers of hope.
On March 31st, I have surgery that will either extend my lease on life, or hasten its end. If it fails, I’ll leave helpful and hopeful lessons behind. And if it succeeds, I’ll still do the same, but also be around to help in person. Either way, I exist no longer to take, but to give.
For now, here’s my 1.5-year summary (the good and the bad). If I had to sum up all my updates in just a few words, it would be this: Extremely fragile, but stable. For now.
It’s like I’m sitting on the roof edge of a burning building, but look I suddenly have wings. I don’t know if they’ll work. But I’m ready to jump and find out.
Preview Summary At-a-Glance:
- My mom’s situation is very fragile but stable.
Our battle to save my mom’s life throughout 2024 was epic. The effort took a major toll on me, negating every positive thing I had going for me and setting me back further. And we’re still battling the cancer (stage 4), poverty, and new disabilities. But she’s a fighter. Plus she seems to have found her peace after showing me, finally, how to mend a broken heart. I can’t describe how priceless this gift is yet. But it’s a source of new hope. I pray I get the chance to repay her with some happy final years. - My daughter and ex-wife are struggling and need me more than ever.
Now six, my daughter still pines for me, begs to live with me. This is all I want, too. We heal each other. I can make her feel unconditionally safe and loved because of my mother’s gift. But my ex-wife struggles with poverty, overwork, stress, anxieties and traumas. And no time or space to process and heal them. Which then impacts my daughter. So I pray for the chance to be the father and provider I must be. - My jawbone infection had worsened, but stabilized for now.
This stability is why I am able to restart TragicHappy and make these updates. This is my rare acute illness that debilitates me and can kill me. I’ve spent the past 1.5 years wading through false hopes, delays and setbacks in search of a rare “unicorn” surgeon to save my life. Fortunately, double dosing a specific drug cocktail early this year is still holding the infection at bay. Plus I got surgery cheduled for March 30th. It’s in Maryland, which is a toxic state for me, but the doctor is excellent. So I think my chance of success is 75-80%. After this, I’m out of credit. So this is it. Either I heal enough to work hard enough to earn an income. Or I am living on the streets, literally. Everything—my family’s and my future—rests on this surgery and subsequent hard work. It’s my singularity event. - My environmental toxin illness is still same, on balance.
This second worst illness makes all indoor space intolerable to me, forces me to live in a pickup truck, and adds fire to my other illnesses. On a good note, I found a low-reactive area that I can theoretically heal in in Long Island half an hour from my mother and daughter. But I’m still in a car and I’m still exposed to toxins on a daily basis caring for my mother and daughter. And this forces me to spend 40 hours a week just decontaminating me and all my stuff to merely survive. With enough money, I know I can heal here, but I don’t have that luxury, as I’ll explain below… - My finances (or lack thereof) is nearing the end with 2.5 months of cash left.
Sometime May or so, I will have zero money left. All payments I have been making of every kind will stop. I will face repossession of my truck my home. Over the past few years, I had been given miraculous gift after gift of cash—when I needed it most. Now, the well is completely dry. And I can’t ask for more. And my mother has squeezed water out of stones for me—water which I have taken in shame. So now, I have to earn the rest. Now, my TragicHappy work begins. I’ve been private about the details, but with so little left to lose now, I’ll be sharing my financial numbers (they’ll be shocking) and timeline till bust. I think I’ll do it on Youtube. And it will be hopeful.
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