Sixteen months ago, I posted my last log update.
Today, I’m renaming this “log” to “journal” and starting over.
My prior “log” entries documented my losing struggles with a deadly illness—while trying to stay transparent, authentic, and hopeful.
Well, I failed. That’s why I stopped posting.
Unable to stop my downward spiral, I lost hope and couldn’t fake it anymore. The end seemed inevitable, and I saw no value in depressing others about it.
I survived the past 16 months on adrenaline and cortisol and prescription drugs.
The good news is, a window has temporarily opened. I’ve found pain relief with by double dosing a cocktail of antibiotics, antifungals, anti-protozoans. But like all my past drug-based remedies, this window will also close soon. Which is why I’m writing, working and redesigning this website now.
As I’m rereading my old log entries, I’m struck by how desperate they were. All that fear, dread and anxiety—with just glimmers of hope.
Then, at some point, I stopped fearing death for what it does to me. But I still feared it for cutting my daughter and mother off from my love and protection.
I still fear this. But maybe I’ve matured somewhat over the past year and a half.
I’m still trying to embrace an untimely death—if it comes—with grace, gratitude. But now also with a trust in God and the universe that my family will be okay without me.
The physical pain never gets easier. And the fear of abandoning my loved ones dependent on me is powerful. But gratitude and acceptance can blunt the desperation.
It’s a process. And not an easy one. But I’m on it.
By the way, this isn’t me giving up. Not one bit.
It’s my attempt to blend bleak reality and hopeful optimism together into one emulsified truth.
It’s me saying, “Yes, my situation is objectively really bad, but I’m fighting to survive. And moreover, I’m fighting to show positivity. And if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. I tried. I really really tried.”
After all, we all need a hero sometimes. But heroes are so rare and hard to find. Especially when you’re poor in spirit and luck. So why not become the hero we need?
And if we choose to be our hero, we’ll do so knowing that heroes don’t always succeed. In fact, they often fail. But their fight is always epic. And worthy of being retold as our best stories.
So this leaves us with gratitude and acceptance. With heroic effort and positivity. These are the few things in the universe that we can control. And so they are the things I will promise.
Going forward, this is how I’ll balance hope and authenticity, optimism and stark reality. And this balance is the basis of this journal.
This will be our way.
In a few months, one of two things will happen: my current window will either close shut and be my last, or stay open a while longer, and grant me more life to do the good work of TragicHappy.
What happens will happen. The coming weeks will see massive ups and downs. But today…
Today, I’m bringing Hope back.
News will have my business updates (TragicHappy, Hoping Tree, etc).
And Journals will have my personal updates (family, illness, finances).
I’ll follow up this post with new details of my family, illnesses and finances.
I’ll also try to make video updates if I have time.
Thanks for reading—and stay tuned!
Reply