It’s 5:02 and I’m on the last leg of my public transport back to Hampton bays.
It’s been a rough day. Driving 3 hours in the super contaminated truck. Cleaning it up. Spraining my ankle. And nonstop reactivity and inflammation from strong toxin exposure.
My body will be taking a hit. If I’m already at rock bottom, I will either stay here a few weeks longer or, heaven forbid, the rock bottom will collapse into a new low I can’t yet imagine.
The two days of feeling normal seems to have come at a cost. I’ve not been stuck at rock bottom for such a long time before (aside from the week break).
Unlike the metro north train I took from my sister’s to Grabd Central, this double decker LIRR train is incredibly toxic to me. I’ve switched several cars and they’re all bad. I’ll even say just as bad if not worse than my contaminated truck I just drove. Only in my truck I was able to drive with windows wide open the entire way. The toxic air recirculates in these cars and it is slamming me hard.
Another 110 minutes to go. I hope I can make it. I hope this last leg doesn’t plunge me into depths I’ve never experienced yet.
Tuesday, August 29
8:50am. Yesterday my contaminating travel day started at 9am and ended at 10:30pm back at Garden City. Will be spending next days trying to get back to baseline. Tricky, because it seems like rock bottom is my baseline for the past 7-8 weeks, but I can’t believe this is the case. I can’t work or function well in these conditions. I’ll be pushing through as much as possible.
Wednesday, August 30
3.5 hour sleep last night. Pain. Rain. Worked soundtrack to first chapter story.
I saw my daughter last night (a short walk). First time in two weeks. We just play. I couldn’t hold her, and very little energy, but it was nice. I see some trauma embedded in her already—little behaviors. But not the kind that raise red flags for most people—only to someone who has become keenly trauma aware as I’ve become lately. Like illness, I hope I can help her detox these traumas later on in her life.
12:28pm. Okay. I have to solve some pressing survival problems. Raining yesterday but I had to launder my pajamas to sleep. Used the portable dryer that was stored in my frunk and it ruined my pajamas. Super toxic. Everything in the frunk of my car is toxic. Also, my sleeping big in my sleeping quarters is toxic. My truck is just too toxic for me to work in, sleep in, eat in, etc. I don’t know if I can decontaminate it for the winter, but I do know that I without a way to safely quarantine a lot of my questionable belongings, I don’t have a chance to decontaminate it at all. I’ve ordered a few things from Amazon, like nets to hang outside my tailgate, but it doesn’t look promising. I will need to look for a compact, foldable hitch-mounted cargo holder. Something I can secure disposable totes to, and will only add minimal length to my truck (parking will be tough). Maybe I should look at a bicycle rack and modify that for use somehow. This is going to occupy so much of my time.
My jaw infection has been at rock bottom for almost two months now (except for that odd, glimmering week of feeling close to normal). I can’t account for why, except my car has been steadily becoming more toxic. But I have friends who have gotten so toxic that their bodies start to interact with any device with lithium batteries in such a way that the batteries leak, steadily releasing a toxic gas, that causes more toxicity, in a vicious cycle. And the device must be eliminated—and avoid as much lithium batteries as possible. I’m grateful I’m not at that stage yet, but if I ever do enter that stage, it would be devastating. I would have lose my laptop, phone, everything that I need to do my TragicHappy work on. And I would lose my one home, this electric truck. I’m so lucky I’m not there yet, but once thing seems certain: if I can’t make permanent steps up and out of this hole—even if this rock bottom is stable—my sickness will eventually drop to that lithium-intolerant level. Very difficult decisions. I had thought to split my time on survival 30% and work 70%, but it seems I may need to reverse this. On top of everything, no funds. So I need to be creative. And take even greater risks.
I am going to see if I can detox toxic heavy metals while also keeping my toxin exposure at minimum while also reducing pathogen loads (somehow). I don’t know if it’s possible but I have to try. There’s a frequency modality that seems to be helping a friend who’s also terribly ill. I’ll see if it’s feasible for me.
On TragicHappy. No time for new videos, or to set a schedule, but I’m fixed on producing serialized short videos of The Hoping Tree. I realize this first iteration must still have some production value in it, or it’s just a head reading something. I think music may help. So the first 60-second installment will have a soundtrack (I’m working on) with me reading the story. Everything is extremely minimal. Will need a day to produce this first one. And also waiting for some equipment deliveries to make it possible.
With so many emergencies to solve, I’m back in headless chicken mode now.
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