9/4 thru 9/10 (2023)

Tuesday, September 5, 2023

• 2:24AM.
• I’ve had the worst symptoms in memory the past two or three nights. I have barely slept for three nights now. During the daytime I can’t sleep either. The pain is  unrelenting. About a week ago, I begin taking a special chelator for my gadolinium toxicity. I’m taking about 700 mg a day now.  I don’t have any good nor bad effects from this or reactions so I’ll continue to take it since gadolinium is an ongoing problem of mine.But several days ago on Friday, I think I made two mistakes.Ever since my one good week and two days of being symptom-free, I’ve relapse back hard with symptoms of my joint affection going systemic.So last Friday, out of desperation, I tried out this extremely potent and powerful frequency machine. The first mistake I made is that it’s in New Jersey right by Newark, which is probably the most toxic area to me in the tri-state. I went there on Friday because that was the only opening left, and right in the middle of rush-hour Friday traffic, which meant that I was stuck driving through Newark for hours this really affected me and made me very sick.The second mistake was that I was too desperate and to ambitious and I requested my initial session with this frequency machine to include programs for parasites, bacteria, heavy metals, and mold and fungus.

  What I did not realize was that this machine was incredibly powerful. Far more powerful than anything I have had ever tried.

  It felt like a wild roller coaster ride. It was trippy And painful.

  I felt a lot of pain especially on the back of my skull where I do feel a soreness under the skin of my scalp. I also felt recurrent pain in my left knee also a little bit of pain at the base of my skull, but it was mostly concentrated at the back of my head where it is sore. The other symptom was bouts of sudden dry cough. The back of my esophagus became suddenly got very ticklish and irritated and this occurred multiple  times throughout my session. Oh, and another symptom was nausea that came and went throughout the session.

  One thing I can say is that the back of my head is no longer sore so something definitely happened. Perhaps it broke open a biofilm nest of pathogens. 

  But now, my body is struggling with some toxin or pathogen, and it feels like sepsis. Again, I know this feeling very well, maybe not to this degree, but well enough to know that it is not sepsis. Or if it is, it is a sub clinical septicemia meaning that hospitals won’t be able to diagnose it or detect it.

  It’s 3:35 AM and I can’t sleep at all again I am so exhausted. Entire body is on fire inside. My body has switched its pain response away from environmental toxins, and towards the endogenous toxins and pathogens that I’m currently grappling with.

  I’m also nauseous. I’ve been nauseous for the past three days, but mildly so tonight it’s more intense, and I just tried to vomit but I didn’t succeed. It could be because I’ve been fasting today.

  I’ve just taken some copper supplements to induce more nausea. Hopefully I can vomit. I do sense that vomiting will relieve something. And well I’ll try anything right now.

• 10pm. I was able to cobble together 4 hours of sleep. That’s the most in over weeks. I was also able to get a last-minute appointment for another Rasha session. This time I tailored the programs to milder stuff. No parasite programs. And it was less painful. But after the session wore off, I did not feel any better. I quickly went back into my rut where I am in now. The pains have worsened.
• I was able to visit my daughter briefly. Took her around the block on her bicycle with her mother. When we were done, she cried, and didn’t want me to leave. She wants to live with me. It broke my heart. I walked up to their apartment which I am super reactive to, so that I could placate her. She doesn’t know why or how (and neither does anyone else), but through my trauma-tainted glasses, her body her subconscious is aware that I am to her the least trauma-burdened and the most safe person in her life. Her translation: she loves me so much and doesn’t want me to leave. I could be wrong. But this is what I see. I am to her a unique person that I am not to anyone else. But I am learning to rub that patience for her off on my interactions with others. Trying.
  
• Hoping to get some sleep tonight.

Thursday, September 7, 2023

• Last two nights were even worse. A little over 2 hours sleep two nights ago. Just over 1 hour total last night. And still impossible to nap. The pain. Unbelievable. This hearkens back to last year when I averaged around 1.5 hours of sleep over a week period. I began to hallucinate, and body just eventually completely collapsed and shut down. Then it rebooted itself. I’d like to think this will happen eventually. But last time, I was in this period for only a few weeks at a time. This time, aside from that brief one-week respite, I’ve been stuck in this rock bottom infection sepsis for about two months now. This is the longest I’ve ever experienced anything like this. So it is alarming. And yet, I need to think that my body reboot will happen. I suppose at one point, if it gets bad enough, I won’t be able to reboot after shutting down. I hope I have enough time left.
• I may ask Taylor to refund me for the prepaid sessions of Rasha. I need to get some other drugs and treatments to rule out other linchpin causes. I need to find the linchpin. I need to believe it exists, and that I’m not just playing a losing game of wack-a-mole.
• The weather since Monday has been near record temperatures. In the 90s. And will remain so through Friday, tomorrow. For this reason, late Tuesday night I decided to drive down to Yaphank. But that entire town reeked like manure and inflamed my body. So I drove to Hampton Bays which wasn’t much better honestly, but I settled into a parking lot. I’ve been here since. Oddly enough, all the local weather channels and everyone’s thermometer’s read in the 90s, but the weather app and Accuweather continue to state that the highs this entire week here are low 80s. Very bizarre. Like glitch in the matrix bizarre.
• I’m also changing up the way I post on social media. Going to just go for it and talk about my fears of impending death, and how I’m dealing with it. I need to produce quickly a small body of work in case I don’t have time.  Not for ego. Not for legacy. But so that others will be helped and comforted, including my daughter and my mother. Nothing else matters.